i'm just done

I'm so tired of everyone wanting something from me. I'm done. I'm done with Alec, Cody, Megan, Megan's mom, and a handful of other people out there. Really... I love Megan's mom, I just wish she knew what was REALLY going on. Knowing Megan, she probably only told her mom half the story, or her favorite parts. I especially don't understand why she tries so hard to be a good person when she doesn't even try at all. And her comment about not participating in petty teenage drama? Ummm... I do believe that is what this whole thing is, so I suggest she stops glaring and me and my friends everytime we pass her in the hallway. Grow up please.

♥ tony

the nurse and the stoner, part 2

Wow. A lot has happened these passed 48 hours. Ugh... for one, I got sexual with Cody, and yes he has herpes so I'm kind of worried about that. I mean, what would happen if it turns out I have it? Anyway, Alec isn't talking to me I think. It's because I was trying to be honest about my thing with Cody and he got really upset. I guess I just didn't understand how much I meant to him. He almost made it seem like we were dating... which I wouldn't mind. He is a very bright light, but I fear if my thoughts are correct, that bright light will fade away. I really like him, I just didn't want to seem so obsessed and clingy like in the past. I tried to ease myself. Anyway, later after my little fight with Alec, I made it worse. Tim apparently knows Alec and told me he was a very dishonest person and somewhat of a slut. Of course I don't want to believe that, but I've only known the kid for maybe a month so how much can I REALLY know about him? Who knows, time will tell... that is if he ever talks to me again.

♥ tony

the nurse and the stoner

Well, it's been a while since I've blogged. Mainly because my school's internet won't let me access this site. But I've finally found a way around it, because I'm cool like that. Tim and I broke up because he was too needy and didn't understand me as well as I wanted him to. So I met this guy named Alec a little before Thanksgiving and he's ideal. Pretty much everything I've been wanting. He seems to have things very well planned out, very mature. But... I also met this other guy named Cody who lives here in Hudson who wants to hang out tomorrow cause I used to be friends with his roommates and they're moving away. Alcohol will probably be involved. I mean, I know I have self control, but when alcohol is added, I'm not sure. I've always had a good sense of control when I'm drunk when it comes to having sex with other people, I'm just worried I'll let myself sleep with him. I told Alec and of course he got mad. But him and I aren't exclusive, we're just friends who really like each other. It's been a good two months since I've had sex, and I feel like I'm going through withdrawal. If I do sleep with him, I think I'd feel guilty cause of the whole Alec thing. But if I don't then I'll be kicking myself in the ass asking myself why I didn't. We'll see, I guess.

♥ tony

new growth

hey,
Well, school's well on it's way. It's already becoming a routine.
that's good though. I had a date yesterday with a great guy named Tim. He's great. I really can't wait to see him again.

♥ tony

you're not a man, you're just a mannequin

hey,
Wow, it's been a while. So many things have been going on. Well, Nick broke up with me in August. When it happened I was such a mess and made choices that I look back on and ask myself "what the fuck?" But I feel so much better now because I've been hanging out with my friends a lot lately. They've really been there for me. Especially Ashley... at 4 in the morning. Anyway, my senior year has taken flight and I couldn't be happier. I have quite a few book projects thought up for this year such as Je suis l'art, Discipline, Fly, and of course Sticky & Sweet. Recently I've found myself obsessed with Andy Warhol, so maybe portions of him will show in some of my new work. He just seems like such an amazing person, artist, and friend. Moving from obsession to attraction, Marc Jacobs. That's all I have to say. No words can describe how beautiful he is. Speaking of beautiful people, I kind of had a "date" near the end of August with a guy named Cody. He was alright, we made out and everything, but he's just not at all what I'm looking for. Plus he was just way too sarcastic for me. He needed to grow up in some ways. Oh, and major update on my upcoming album. I will continue writing as I have been for the past year. Then in Summer 2009 I plan on buying a MacBook with a great recording software built in and then start recording and bringing my music to life. A few of my friends have agreed to team up with me on it. I want sort of an electronica feel to it with bits and pieces of acoustic elements. I've heard it done before and it sounds amazing. Of course, no title has been confirmed yet and neither has a cover. The album shouldn't be finished until December 2009 at the earliest and Spring 2010 at the latest. I'm very excited for this project because recording an album is something I've been wanting to do since I was a kid. But bye bye for now.

♥ tony

revelations are fun

So Nick and I had a very long discussion last night about the "s" word. No, not "shit"... I'm talking about "sex." We both agreed that we've been doing it way too much. Now I know that all my friends think sex is all I care about, but you have to realize that I just like to joke about it a lot. Sex for me, is very special. It is the coming together of two bodies. It's something that should always be passionate and special for the two people involved (yes, TWO. I believe one should only have one partner). But Nick told me that lately, he hasn't been feeling passion... more so lust. And when we do have sex, it no longer feels as special as it first did. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. Sex for me always feels passionate and special, because it is with him and no one can take that from me. Sexual intercourse is one of the times I feel closest to Nick. He says he wants to connect with me more on the emotional level, and now that I see his point of view, I agree with him 100%. I don't need to have sex with someone to feel close to them. That'd be like if I was having sex with all my best friends in order to become closer with them... and all my best friends are pretty much girls!! But that's a whole different story... haha! Anyways, about a week ago, Nick and I celebrated our two month anniversary. I know it seems like such a short time, but we've both come so far. I love him.

♥ tony

lusting for bloodrayne

hey,
Lately I find myself frantically searching for a video game titled BloodRayne for my obslete PS2 console. I've searched the web sites of Target, Best Buy, even Circuit City, all turning up with nothing. And eBay, well, THAT'S a joke. The sellers are like "the game may have scratches, i don't know" and I'm like "well, figure it out because I'm not spending ten dollars on a scratced frisbee, you asshole." I think I'll just buy it from GameSpot or something. Anyway, Nick is away at camp for the entire week, so I'm feeling quite lonely. I was supposed to do something with some of my friends tonight, but I don't think the plans will fall through. I had a job interview today at a bookstore downtown. I really hope I get this job because I NEED one so I can get a car. I think the interview went alright, I kept good eye contact. Hope it happens.

♥ tony

a confession

hey,
I must confess I haven't been very loyal to my blog this past week. I've been cheating on it with my journal. Oh well, it never hurt to have a whore. Anyway, I seem to be in high demand lately. Maybe I should make a clone of myself and then everyone would be happy. Well, gotta get some rest. I'm a busy guy.

♥ tony

"ein sof" is complete

hey,
I told you Ein Sof would be a short project! It is completed and I just burnt the DVD and put together the box art an hour or so ago. It looks really cool. I'm very proud of my work. Anyway, things are going great. Got my "unofficial" senior pictures taken that my mother refuses to use. She just doesn't understand my definition of art. Nick's doing good also. I saw The Dark Knight with him and his family yesterday. It was so intense and full of awesomeness. Go see it. Just be sure to go to the bathroom before you see it cause it's like 3 hours long and I started getting the urges to pee about 30 minutes into it.

♥ tony

weed is fucking lame

hey,
Tomorrow should be the final day of filming for Ein Sof and I also get my senior pictures taken, but I have bigger things on my mind. When we first met, Nick said he is quitting weed for me. Surprise surprise, he didn't follow through. But temptation is understandable. Yesterday was supposed to be his "last day" because it was his birthday and he was going to hang out with some person he hardly sees. But that person didn't show, so he has yet to smoke with them. We both agreed that he is allowed to smoke one more time with that person, but now that the person didn't show up, he has yet to do it. I just don't understand how weed became so a focus in teenage culture. Why? Who is responsible for this trend? But remeber, I can't be to quick to judge because I've never tried weed and I don't plan on it. It's just so lame. Why kill your brain cells? I just don't really know if I can trust some people anymore. Like just yesterday when Nick told me he loves me... for the first time I was just like "yeah, right." It's just really hard for me to trust some people right here and right now. It hurts me that I can't do that, and it hurts them as well.

♥ tony

nick's birthday

hey,

Tomorrow is Nick's birthday and I'm quite excited. Anyway, Ein Sof is progressing amazingly. So far it is about an hour and fifteen minutes in length and I would like to add at least another fifteen or so minutes. Well, I have to make this one short cause I gotta go to Nick's. Peace.

♥ tony

"ein sof" is pregressing nicely

hey,
As the title suggests, Ein Sof is going great. I have about 50 minutes of film edited and ready to go and I am hoping for at least another 30 minutes of footage to add to the film. It should hopefully be finished by early next week if all goes well. Also, Nick and I celebrated our one month anniversary on Saturday, even though I was miles away and out of town. It's all good though. We are seeing "WALL-E" later today.

♥ tony

new movie announced

hey,
Things with Nick are going excellent. I really enjoy him A LOT. But I suppose you're wondering about the title of this entry. Well, to point out the obvious, I have decided to make a new movie. It will be titled Ein Sof, Hebrew for "without end" and will feature elements from both Je vais te dire un secret and To Whom It May Concern. But the main focus of the movie will be a deep examination of love. Nick did have something to do with the inspiration factor, but I am happy he did. I don't want this movie to be a big long project, like my last one. In fact, I hope to have everything completed and edited by mid-July. Ein Sof is also the first movie of mine to release on DVD and to be edited on a computer. It is something I'm very excited for. Look for it in full later this year.

♥ tony

P.S.: I feel like a bitch saying this, but Nick gets an advanced copy on July 16, his birthday.

it's getting pretty serious

hey,
It's been a bit since my last update. Summer vacation is here and that's really exciting. Also, I've developed a very serious romantic relationship with an amazing guy named Nick. And, yes... he is the man who the entry "Pink Shirt" is about. Tomorrow we will have been together for two weeks, and I feel so good about where this relationship is headed. Basically, I know he isn't a fuck-head or a moron, and our chemistry is amazing. I really like him because he pushes me out of my comfort zone. For instance, I've never done any sort of PDA whatsoever; but one day while walking through Wal-Mart (ewww), we ended up holding hands and even kissing. At the time, it was very uncomfortable, but when I look back I realize how he made me grow. I really enjoy him, he's already said he loves me the other night. I said to him just today, but I'm still debating whether I meant it or not. I'd say I'm about 90% in love with him. I just need to let the other 10% come with time.

♥ tony

pink shirt

laying next to your twitching limbs
you're playing with my arm hair
as your pink shirt rises and falls
i suddenly realize you're a man
hairs peek out beneath your chin
and don't forget the one by your eye
probably the smoothest skin
and all i can think about is dieting
your face on my shoulder
as midnight grows older
watching guts on the boob tube
while i stare at your blemishes
all i can think about are your glasses
and that damn jaw-line

"dragon" is ending without a tear

hey,
Okay, so I know I was supposed to write a script and everything for Dragon, but due to lack of effort and creativity, (and participation from my actors) I have decided to stop writing all together and cancel the project. Below is what I had typed. I had so many good things planned...

“DRAGON”

SCENE I

(Darren is standing in a bathroom, staring into the mirror at his reflection as if he recognizes something that reminds him of the past. He gradually starts strumming his fingers on the countertop, hoping it will make the time go by faster. He pulls out a bag of cocaine, followed by a small mirror and a straw from the inside of the toilet. Just as he is about to snort it, he glances back up at his reflection.)

DARREN: Fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em all.

(He begins snorting, but is soon interrupted by Shane knocking on the door.)

SHANE: Darren (pauses). Darren, hurry up.

DARREN: (whisper) Shit. (He wipes the powder off of his nose and tries putting his stash back in its hiding spot, but breaks a candle jar in the process. It shatters to the ground).

SHANE: What was that?

DARREN: (rushing to pick up the mess) Nothing. I’m… I’m cleaning the bathroom.

SHANE: (growing impatient) Come on! I need to fucking piss!

DARREN: Hang the fuck on!

(Shane eventually opens the door and sees Darren’s mess).

SHANE: What did you do?

(Shane leans down to get a closer look).

DARREN: It’s nothing.

Shane realizes that there is cocaine in the pile of debris).

SHANE: (angrily) I thought you said you quit!

DARREN: I did.

SHANE: What the fuck! No you didn’t! (She points to the pile) What is wrong with you?

DARREN: (trying to calm her) Shhh!

SHANE: You told me you were done with this shit.

DARREN: Please don’t tell Mila.

SHANE: You expect me to hide this from Mila, not to mention Casey, that you lied to all of us when you said you weren’t going to do this stuff anymore?

DARREN: Please don’t!

SHANE: You can’t rely on me to keep promises when you can’t even keep yours.

DARREN: (pauses) Mila will kick me out. I have nowhere else to go.

SHANE: (anger melts and starts feeling sympathetic). Let’s clean this up.

(Together they clean up the debris, including the cocaine, and flush it down the toilet).

DARREN: Thanks. (Thinks for a minute) This time I’ll try.

SHANE: I hope so—

(They hear Mila come home from her jog. She pokes her head in).

MILA: Hi guys (slightly out of breath).

SHANE: How was your jog?

MILA: (still breathing heavily) Exhilarating (she smiles).

SHANE: Really?

MILA: Could you guys hurry up? I’d like to take a shower. (Mila starts walking away).

SHANE: Oh… yeah.

MILA: (Stops and notices something about the countertop). Wasn’t there a candle there?

DARREN: (on impulse) I returned it.

MILA: (Stares at Darren) What?

DARREN: I didn’t like the scent.

(Shane stares at him like he’s crazy and slightly nudges him with her arm).

MILA: I bought that candle two years ago in Florida.

DARREN: Funny thing, actually—

MILA: Nevermind (walks away).

(Shane and Darren turn to each other and smirk).

*(“So You Say” starts)

(Opening credits sequence).

SCENE II

(This is all ONE shot)

(Darren is walking around aimlessly in the kitchen while texting).

DARREN: (voiceover) Shane and I have been friends since the second grade. She and I moved in with Mila shortly after we graduated from high school. We pay our share of the bills and chip in for the groceries. It’s a life away from parents—almost like I was freed from being in hell for 18 years. It’s better here. I like it.

(Darren hears music from outside. Shane is playing her guitar. He goes to the front door and opens it).

DARREN: Hey rock star.

(Shane stops playing and looks up).

SHANE: Hey queer (smiles).

DARREN: Gosh, it’s so beautiful out here.

SHANE: I’ve noticed.

(Darren goes to the faucet, fills up the watering can, and starts watering flowers).

DARREN: It’s sure tough to keep these flowers watered with all of this damn heat. It’s almost like it evaporates once it hits the soil.

SHANE: Well at least you’re trying. They look really pretty.

DARREN: You think so?

SHANE: Yeah.

DARREN: I’ve never tried growing this type before. Back at my parent’s house last summer, I tried growing a sunflower. It got about seven feet tall, then my dad picked it out and threw it away.

SHANE: Why would he do that?

DARREN: He thought it was an over-sized weed.

SHANE: What a dick. It must have taken a long time to grow.

DARREN: Yeah, I was mad. I’ve got to get the ones in the back.

(Shane resumes guitar playing as Darren makes his way to the back to water the flowers. Darren’s phone rings. It’s Casey).

DARREN: Hey.

CASEY: Hey.

DARREN: How are you?

CASEY: Great, and you?

DARREN: Enjoying the outdoors. Are you still coming over tonight?

CASEY: Of course.

DARREN: I’m making something special.

CASEY: What?

DARREN: It’s a secret.

CASEY: I don’t like secrets.

DARREN: Trust me. This is a secret you will like.

CASEY: What makes you so sure?

DARREN: I know you.

CASEY: And I love you for that.

DARREN: Of course you do.

CASEY: Are we going to be alone?

DARREN: No. Mila and Shane are joining us.

CASEY: What?

DARREN: I thought you knew that.

CASEY: I wanted it to be just us.

DARREN: I wanted that too, but I can’t just force Mila to leave her own house. Plus they’re my friends.

CASEY: I wanted to end the night with a big bang.

DARREN: Casey, you know I’m not at that level yet.

CASEY: I know.

DARREN: But at least we can play tag with our tongues.

CASEY: You’re funny.

DARREN: I try.

CASEY: Well, I have to get back to work. I’ll see you tonight.

DARREN: Alright.

CASEY: I love you.

DARREN: I love you too.

CASEY: Bye.

DARREN: Bye.

(Darren hangs up the phone and walks back to the front of house with watering can. He walks inside past Shane who is still playing. He walks up past Mila who is blogging in the kitchen).

MILA: What time’s Casey coming?

DARREN: Seven.

MILA: You were still planning on making pasta, right?

DARREN: Yeah, why?

MILA: (pulls package of noodles from the cupboard) I bought some noodles.

DARREN: You didn’t have to. I was actually planning on going to the store later.

MILA: I know. I thought I’d be nice.

DARREN: (pats her on the shoulder) Thanks.

(Mila smiles as Darren exits. Mila continues blogging about Shane).

it's been an epoch year

hey,
Well, the moment I have waited for has finally arrived: I am holding the 2008 Hudson High School yearbook in my hands (actually my lap) as I type this. It's so exciting to look through these pages and be like "I created that," or "my friend did that page." I'm kinda mad a little cause I've already found a few errors, but I won't tell anyone... I'll wait for them to find the mistakes. Also my house got egged. I have somewhat of an idea of who might have done it. One person's name rhymes with "Gorman" and the other's rhymes with "Laurie." I accused another person of doing it, even though they were "at their boyfriends" but I just don't know who to believe anymore. I just wish people wouldn't be so immature.

P.S.: Lust is going along great and Body Language is finally finished. Yay!

♥ tony

new pages from "lust" and "ego"

hey,
I've finally got off my lazy ass and decided to post a page from Lust and two pages from Ego(respectfully in order):

give it 2 me

hey,
So yesterday I was so excited about the Sticky & Sweet Tour, but now, according to my mom, I can't go. She just has a problem with it being 380 miles from here. She just needs to understand that I'm going with friends and that this is a once in a lifetime thing for me. I'll try convincing her some more, but not to the point where she gets so annoyed with me that she puts her foot down and it stays down. Let's just hope for the best!

♥ tony

happy 100th posting

hey,
Well I knew this day would eventually come: my blog entries have officially hit triple digits. And now for quadruple!! I'm really excited cause Madonna just announced her fall tour schedule and dates! It sucks though cause the nearest she's ever came to the cities is Chicago. I'm totally planning on going... if it's against the law, arrest me! I just want to find someone to go with cause I don't want to travel to Chicago all by my lonesome old self. I'm sort of nervous about ticket prices though cause according to LiveNation.com tickets should be in between $55-$350. I'm sort of hoping for ticket prices to be around maybe $100 or so. Anything over $200 (unless I actually have the money) is most likely a no-no. But I mean, this is a once in a lifetime thing: seeing Madonna live and on stage, strutting her stuff. I'll just have to keep my hopes up and hopefully I'll get a job soon so I can pay for them. Anyway, to the left is a promo poster for the tour appropriately titled Sticky & Sweet Tour 2008/2009:

darren hayes (a.k.a. my husband)

i ♥ "the L word"

hey,
So I must confess my newest guilty pleasure... "The L Word." I've borrowed the first season from my friend and... those ladies are like crack; so addicting!! I have the fourth and final disc of season one sitting in front of me and i cannot wait to go home and watch them. What else... I took senior pictures today and they actually turned out really good. I'd fuck me. Well, maybe that's saying too much. Lust is to premiere at the Hudson High School Student Art Show on both May 22 & 23. Seriously, I only have about 10 pages done and about 290 to go. I'm gonna start pushing it to the limit. Also displaying at the Art Show will be Drowned World (of course) and Ego. I'd have to say that second to Drowned World, Ego is probably my favorite project. I'm so blunt and honest; I'm not afraid to make a fool out of the past. About a week ago I finally got Drowned World back from the Art Show in Minneapolis and I sorta wish that people would have written comments or something on a piece of paper. That's what I wanted most out of the art show: feedback. I not only wanted positive feedback, I wanted all sorts of feedback like... "This sucks!"... "This rocks!"... Stuff like that is really rewarding for me. I should tell you that I took the liberty of getting highlights in my hair. Not a lot... just a "peek-a-boo" in the front with 3 chunks of it on top. It kind of looks like peanut butter (I wanted platinum blonde), but it looks good so I can't complain. I really hope to see Madonna on her Hard Candy Tour... I just have to jump at the chance when tickets become avaliable. I just hope I have enough money. That's about it for now. I need some lunch.

♥ tony

art show/"hard candy" review

hey,
So my school is having an art show at the end of May, and I'm really pumped cause I have six pieces I want to enter... don't know if all of them will get in though. Let's think on the bright side. On the other hand, Hard Candy was slightly amazing. I would give it about an 8/10 because a few of the songs were like "seriously?!" ("Incredible" and "She's Not Me") but I have gotten use to them and they are great. I highly recommend buying this!!

♥
tony

i've got it

hey,
I bought Hard Candy today, but I'm waiting until I get home to listen to it. I'm trying to focus more on school for the time being, so all of my projects are on a temporary halt. Lust has sort of been slow, but it's going alright. I've decided to give my album a temporary title, because I hate the whole "TBA" thing. So I was thinking of just calling it Coy for the time being. I've haven't written in a while. But, anyway I'm feeling hungry, so I'll go off to lunch now.

♥ tony

hard candy for everyone!

hey,
Madonna's new album Hard Candy comes out tomorrow and it's honestly all I can think about. My friend Eric (who lives in England) got it a day earlier cause that's just how it fucking works over in Europe. Oh, and by the way, 凍られます is canceled. It was kind of a dumb idea in the first place. Plus I just wasn't happy with the pictures. I'm almost out of time for class, so I'll type more later when my stomach isn't insane.

♥ tony

if you could see my mind

hey,
You'd probably hear thoughts you wish not to hear. A slight tingle in your ear. Two lights humming up above as the five blades remain motionless. And yet here i lay typing into this miniature keypad hoping someone will read my words. It seems so cliche and ordinary to post a bulletin, but for some mystic reason i continue typing. Maybe, by chance, people will pry the letters from my vocabulary and make their own phrase. Just remember this: don't be someone's slogan when you can be poetry.

♥ tony

are you getting hard....... candy?

hey,
How have you guys been? I'm eagerly anticipating the release of Hard Candy on April 29. Anyways, I have started writing the script for a new movie I'm involved that I am currently calling Dragon (title subject to change). I have a few actors selected (one even agreeing to do a nude scene) and it's all going really well. Much better than I expected. I have also started work on a new book called Lust, which is basically a book full of (you guessed it) lust. Don't worry, it's not another book like though. It's more of an edgier version of Drowned World. Well, anyways, I better get back to class. Have a nice day!

♥ tony

i gave blood (for the third time)

hey,
Today was kind of fun. There was a blood drive at my school and, of course I donated. But I did what is called a "double red" where they suck out 1/3 of your blood, take out the red blood cells and plasma, keep the red blood cells, add ROOM TEMPERATURE saline to the plasma and then shoot the plasma back in. With the saline being room temperature, I become very cold. Like, I'm not even kidding, they threw a blanket on me. But it was fun knowing that I'm saving someone else's life. Anyway, I've been working hard on my new project Ego. It seems to be going really great. I have the cover made and will get it up in the coming days. I finally received my Kylie Minogue shirt yesterday and wore it to school today. It says "Kylie says relax" on it and all day people were like "Who is Kylie?" and I told them. Can't think of anything else to write.
♥ tony

crazy library

hey,
So I'm at the library and it is officially Spring Break. I am not going anywhere, just staying here in my hometown. I have to take pictures of a floor hockey banquet for yearbook tonight, so, as you can tell, I am already getting the party started. This insane woman next to me is typing so hard her fingers could probably punch through the keyboard and then through the table. But, anyway, I just wanted to write in here because it makes me feel so much better, you know?
♥ tony

you go first

hey,
I forgot to shave my neck this morning, so I'm a little weird today. I just printed out a report on Madonna's new album Hard Candy which includes a complete track listing and a breakdown of every song. In other news, I posted this bulletin on MySpace last night. It read: "Who is up for sharing secrets? You go first." Only about three people responded, but three is better than none. I would like to think I bonded with one specific person in Europe, but I haven't a clue. And now all of these people are fucking crowding behind at the printer and I hate it. Because there is no way to tell if they are reading what I am writing. But oh, well. There's life for you. But I should probably go to class now. Here is the track listing:

1. ‘Candy Store’
2. ‘4 Minutes’
3. ‘Give It 2 Me’
4. ‘Heartbeat’
5. ‘Miles Away’
6. ‘She’s Not Me’
7. ‘Incredible’
8. ‘Beat Goes On’
9. ‘Dance Tonight’
10. ‘Spanish Lesson’
11. ‘Devil’
12. ‘Voices’

fake friends

hey,
So I have pretty much had it with some people. New people especially. For instance, people like Norman and Kori. Those two are driving me insane. I have known her since 5th grade and we have been best friends. Then Norman comes along two weeks ago and it feels like he is taking my place and I don't like it. I have no problem with Kori making new friends, but when it gets to the point where you seclude yourself to be with only them, you hurt your other friends and piss them off. I don't even care if you are reading this, Kori. It's the truth, and it's something I have wanted to say since we went shopping. And I'm not the only who agrees, Kelsey and Megan do too. You've changed, and I wish you were like you used to be.
♥ tony

element 83

full of gel and hairspray
just so you could
you could see me
it's such an effort
picking out
the right type of cotton
no words get said
to my face
straight to my face
just stare ahead
and look out at
the wonderland
element 83
look what you do to me
i am someone else just for you
you know that i'm curious
to try that
to try that smoke now
and fill my body
with shots of
alcohol now
i've never done it
yeah, i'm a
i'm a drug virgin
but i have morals
that might break
but not for you now

dramaqueen

gosh, i'm such a dramaqueen
trying to round it all up
thinking i can have it all
i really can
just not now
because right now
certain things need answers
like sexual orientations
and, of course, other things

凍られます

hey,
So I totally got this idea for a new book project called 凍られます, which means "Frozen" in Japanese. I took about 10 pictures that I can actually use last night and probably tonight I will take some, and the photoshoot will continue into the weekend. I'm going for a deep blue tint. I want to show how some things may affect you, but in the end, we wash it all away... yes, it shows me naked in a bathtub, but nothing is showing. I'm really excited for this. Can't wait. It should take about a month to photoshop the fuck out of everything and get some writing down.
♥ tony

tantrums and tiaras

hey,
I feel a lot better about last night. Norman and Kori and everyone else want me to hang out with them and "party" on Friday. I don't know what they mean by "party." Do they mean drink your ass off and fuck a horse. Or could it be clubbing with skimpy clothing. No, I know. It could be snapping on a party hat and playing pin the tail on the donkey. Yes, oh yes. I'm not sure I want to do anything with them on Friday cause I'll be hanging out with them again on Saturday. I don't know. I'm such a drama queen. Give me my tiara, now.
♥ tony

strange

so i'm in this house
garage door closes
engine revs
computer hums
why did i want to stay here?
attention
sometimes i need to just stop
take a breath
let logic sink in
dog's footsteps
someone wants to kiss me
why do i feel like sort of crying?
attention, again
this dog is driving me backwards
i think they might be home again
time to grow up
time to put a smile on
time to be myself
time to socialize

fucking cigarette

hey,
So I'm here at Kori's house, with my the object of my desire outside having a fucking cigarette with Jesika. I honestly don't know what to think. I'm sort of numb... like I've heard it all before, sort of like that Madonna song, you know. But I don't care cause it's probably not going to happen anyway cause Kori is convinced that he is "metrosexual." I mean, Kori thinks he's sweet and all and wants to be his friend, and I do too, but it's just hard at the moment. I'll keep you updated.
♥ tony

guess what? it's an update!

hey,
So, things have been okay lately. Between staying after hours to work on yearbook and becoming a lacto-ovo vegetarian, things have been pretty swell. I feel a lot more happier than I've been in the past. Maybe it's because I'm so busy with yearbook that I don't have time to be unhappy. There's this guy who just moved here from New York and he's pretty much gorgeous. He sat with one of my many groups of friends at lunch today. I wanted to go over so bad and introduce myself, but I'm shy sometimes, you know? I'm sure it will happen on Monday. I'll "randomly" chose to sit with my others friends and then he'll come over and be like, "No way, who are you?" But only in my dreams, right? NO! I need to stop thinking that way and start thinking positively. Wish me luck!
♥ tony

"hard candy" in stores april 29!

hey,

I'm super excited because Madonna's new CD finally has a title and a release date! Madonna's new album, Hard Candy, will hit stores on April 29, 2008. The first single, "4 Minutes," will be released at the end of March. Woohoo! Madge has still got it!

♥ tony

randall the cannonball

hey,
So, yeah... I knew Brandon and Randall are dating. Today I look in the yearbook drive on the computer and there are these pictures of Randall taken by Brandon. I knew it would hit me sooner or later. It hurts, you know. To know that the only two men I've ever felt anything for have found happiness in each other. It sort of reminds me of this song by Brandi Carlile called "Cannonball."

I was born when I met you
Now I'm dying to forget you
And that is what I know
Though I dreamed I would fall
Like a wounded cannonball
Sinking down with my heart in tow

Bright lights like white lightning
Who shot me down
Who will cut me down
I'm frozen in my bed till the day comes around
How I'm lost
How I'm found

There's a man all alone
Telling me his friends are gone
That they've died and flown away
So I told him he was wrong
That you friends are never gone
If you look to the sky and pray

Bright lights like white lightning
Who shot me down
Who will cut me down
I'm frozen in my bed till the day comes around
How I'm lost
How I'm found

Someone told me a lie
Someone looked me in the eye
And said time will ease your pain
But behold, when you fall
It's that same old cannonball
Coming back for your heart again

Bright lights like white lightning
Who shot me down
Who will cut me down
I'm frozen in my bed till the day comes around
And it may come around
Until the day comes around
How I'm lost
How I'm found

I was born when I met you
Now I'm dying to forget you
And that is what I know

a survey i wanted to do but the proxy i use won't let me post myspace bulletins

60 Things You Can't Possibly Know About Me

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?
I actually don't have a car at the time.

2. When was the last time you threw up?
A very looooonnnnnngg time ago.

3. What's your favorite word or phrase?
It depends on the week.

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today?
Megan, Mrs. Lee, Kaitlin

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?
Taking an exam in ecology.

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
On stage presenting the GSA slide show.

7. What is your favorite holiday?
Either Christmas or Halloween.

8. Have you ever been to a strip club?
Nope.

9. What is the last thing you said aloud?
"No."

10. What is the best ice cream flavor?
It sounds lame, but just plain vanilla is fine with me.

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Water from a drinking fountain.

12. What are you wearing right now?
Gray shirt, blue jeans.

13. What was the last thing you ate?
Cream of rice. Yum!!

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?
No. I'm slightly broke.

15. When was the last time you ran?
Not sure.

16. What's the last sporting event you watched?
Sick....

17. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Everywhere!

18. Who is the last person you sent a comment/message on myspace?
Rhea.

19. Ever go camping?
In my backyard, but I don't know if that counts as camping.

20. Do you have a tan?
No.

21. Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?
My underwear.

22. What is your guilty pleasure?
Honestly, candy and porn.

23. Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
No. I let my words do the smiling.

24. Do you drink your pop from a straw?
Sometimes.

25. What did your last text message say?
It was from the Virgin Mobile "Suga Mamma".

26. Are you someone's best friend?
Probably.

27. What are you doing tomorrow?
Clean the house, lounge.

28. Where is your mom right now?
At work, having a fun time at the PCU.

29. Look to your left, what do you see?
A white board.

30. What color is your watch?
Don't have one.

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia?
This sort of rude foreign exchange student from there... and Keith Urban.

32. Ever ridden on a roller coaster?
Of course.

33. What is your zodiac?
Libra.

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?
I don't do fast food, but when I rarely do, I drive through.

35. Do you have any friends on myspace that you actually hate?
I don't hate them, they just get on my nerves sometimes.

36. Do you have a dog?
No.

37. Last person you talked to on the phone?
Alyssa.

38. Have you met anyone famous?
Not yet.

39. Any plans today?
School, work on yearbook, go home and lounge around.

41. Ever go to college?
Not yet.

42. Where are you right now?
Mrs. Lee's room.

43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now?
Not having a job or a license.

44. Last song listened to?
"Drowned World/Substitute for Love," by Madonna... I was performing it, so that's why.

45. Last movie you saw?
Meet the Spartans.

46. Are you allergic to anything?
Wheat and penicillin.

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?
This really cool pair I bought from Shopko, yet they say American Eagle. They are tan with an orange stripe.

48. Are you jealous of anyone?
Not necessarily.

49. Are you married?
Nope, it ain't legal.

50. Is anyone jealous of you?
Not sure.

51. What time is it?
10:21 am.

52. Do any of your friends have children?
No.

53. Do you eat healthy?
For the most part.

54. What do you usually do during the day?
School.

55. Do you hate anyone right now?
No.

56. Do you use the word 'hello' daily?
Probably.

57. How many kids do you want when your older?
At least 1.

58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
18.

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags?
No.

60. How did u get one of your scars?
Falling off of my bike.

i did it!

hey,
I just got done performing my song. It was amazing. I feel like I finally proved myself to everyone that I'm not just the type of person who is weird and silly all of the time. I have sides that are really serious. People came up to me and hugged me with a sort of shocked look on their face, you know? It was comforting to know that people took my performance seriously this time. Hell, even the principal said it was great and he shook my hand too. And now I'm in Mrs. Lee's room and she keeps showering me with compliments. I feel so thankful to be surround by so many people who give a damn. It's nice.
♥ tony

cosmic

diversity day 2008

hey,
It's been a while. But, anyway, I just got back from rehearsing my Diversity Day performance. I think it went really well and I'm very excited to perform the real thing on Friday. I'm singing "Drowned World/Substitute for Love," originally sung by Madonna, and the Diversity Day organizer seemed to enjoy it. I'm happy because they are turning all of the lights off except for the blue ones; so it adds to the whole "drowned world" effect. I'll write more later, but right now I have to get to work on yearbook pages. Bye!
♥ tony

waste

hey,
Well, nothing much is really new. I'm in ecology class right now doing this lame report on waste that is due at the end of March. I finally got information on when Drowned World will be displayed at the Minneapolis, MN, gallery. It is expected to be there in the begining of March. I'll give you more information as it comes in. Have a fun day!
♥ tony

plans for a new movie

hey,
I have been doing some planning for a new movie. No, it's not another documentary about the fabulous life of me, it's an actual movie with a script that I'm writing. I'm set to be a coke addict and have a possible nude scene. I'll keep you updated as the information comes in.
♥ tony

second semester starts

hey,
Well, second semester has started up and things seem to be great. I have a boyfriend, one that actually lives in Hudson named Matt so that's even better. Body Language has a cover... anything else...? Not sure. Yeah, I should get back to work. Ecology rocks!
♥ tony

finals week

hey,
Well this week is finals week; a week filled with stress and frustration. I'm in study hall right now and I will be for the next hour... Hotel and Drowned World are complete! Whoot whoot! So anyway, I'm pretty much sitting here in study hall. I'll probably look over some stuff for my history final in an bit. I'm working on pages for Body Language. I'm getting kind of pissed cause it looks funny. It reminds me of a picnic basket for some reason.
♥ tony

stars don't shine in singular places

hey,
Well, I'm giving up on this thing I had with this one guy named Jonathan. It's not at all his fault or choice, it's mine. He lives like an hour away and that seems to be the big problem. So I just thought, what's the point in this--really? He's the only one of us who drives and so he would always have to some down here to visit and hang out. Plus he doesn't want to start a relationship until he's finished with school, which is totally understandable. What I need is someone like Jonathan, but closer to home. Jonathan really is the type of person I've been looking for, but I need to start thinking about things from his point of view. I must also remind myself that stars don't shine in singular places... meaning that I'm young and shouldn't devote myself to a boy so fast and easily.
♥ tony

body language

hey,
So I was doing some brainstorming yesterday, and I thought to myself, hmmm... Body Language... that would make a good title for a book. So I did some more thinking and I came up with a good idea. I will make a book titled Body Language and it will basically be pictures of not only me but others displaying all different sorts of body language. It however won't be finished in time to display in the February gallery, but oh well.
♥ tony

happy belated holidays!

hey,

Happy 2008 everyone! Let's see... updates... I'm happy to say that Merrick is finally complete. It releases today in a cute little cigar box. Also, Hotel is about 99% complete and will release in exactly one week. The Drowned World box set including X-Static Process, Circles, and Hotel is nearing completion. I have found a box, now I just need to modge podge some beautiful things on it. Expect to see Drowned World January 14. Wow! Three projects in one month! Damn I'm good. The month of February seems to be calm. The only thing really happening is me going to Florida. February also is the month that Drowned World, and hopefully other projects, will be featured in a gallery in Minneapolis/St. Paul, Minnesota. I'm excited for strangers to see my work. Anyway, I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and wish you well in the new year!

♥ tony

P.S.: If you don't have this CD in your collection, you need to. It's great!