this is the turning point

hey,
wow. I stepped on the scale today... and I try not to remember what it read. okay, I'll tell you: 196. I know, I know... 196 pounds. That's only 4 away from 200. I think that now is definetly a great time to actually start caring about my body and health. I think I'll go on Weight Watchers with my best friends mom. Hopefully that will work. It really sucks realising that you weigh a lot, especially when the holiday season is upon and I'm bound to gain more. I think this is the turning point. I've already improved my mind, now how about my body. In other news... I awoke from a dream of a boy I once knew. His name is Josh. I've known him since I was 5. We had sexual experiences together, I'm not going to lie. I seriously think that I love him. I will see him in the Summer of 2008. Maybe I can tell him that I love him then. Or will I be to chicken? Or maybe I could even find him sooner, like on MySpace or something. Time will tell at this turning point of mine.

-tony

ronni without the "e"

hey,
OMG! Last night I finally talked to my best friend that I haven't seen or talked to in over 6 years. It was really super nice to finally reconnect with her. Gosh, I've missed her so much... Ronni and i have so many great memories and such. I'm truley glad i finally had the (pardon the pun) balls to call her. Ronni, if you're reading, I love ya sista!

-tony

moments

hey,
Well, a few seconds ago, Brandon walked right passed me. No eye contact. Just walk. Walk. No words. Just walk. Walk. I don't even know how or why I miss Brandon. I guess I'm just torn. I mean, I really want to be with Kodii and all, it's just sometimes, like other broken-hearted people, I have these moments where I think about what could've been or what I would do to change this whole ordeal if I could. It's these moments that are holding me, and others, back from continuing on with our lives and being happy. These moments are combining fiction and reality. These moments do not exist, but only in our mind. That's why pretty much everytime I see Brandon, I freeze. I freeze because I have a moment. A moment where I wonder what could've been. But immediatley after having that moment, I remind myself that I am a tough bitch and that I can get through anything. But it is only after I remind myself, that i realise that "anything" can sometimes be limited.

-tony

the power of goodbye redux

hi,
Wow. Something happend to me last night that I just cannot explain in a very clear way. Last night I was talking to Kodii and we just started randomly talking about Christmas and then BOOM! My mind flew to you know who... it starts with a B. Thats cause we met around Christmas and so anytime I think of Christmas I think of him.

-tony

random (but shocking) thought

hey,
This is a random (but shocking) thing I thought about a few weeks ago. You know how most straight men view women as objects? (In example: PlayBoy, Penthouse posters on walls)... Well, I thought to myself do I view MEN as objects? I'm not going to lie, I do look at gay porn and such and such... but I just don't think I can answer that. Well, maybe I can. I don't know. Maybe all of us are guilty at one time or another of viewing other people as objects. But what helps, is realising it.

-tony

lies

hey,
I was reading through my past blog entries and I realised how much wasn't true. First off, "Merritt" and "Michael" don't exist. Well, they actually do, but I just exagerrated my relationship with them. I'm sorry I lied to you all. Forgive me, and know that from now on I will tell the truth.

-tony

"to whom it may concern"

hey,
I kinda forgot to tell you that I am filming a new documentary. It's based on my sophomore year in high school and it will be finished around June 2007. yeah, so umm... I'll keep you posted. Goodbye.

-tony

diversity days/update/my new project

hey,
This year in February, our school is holding the Annual Diversity Days. And me, being an awesome person and all, have decided to read my poem "I'm going to tell you a secret". And if I'm feeling REALLY good, then I just might sing a song too. I was thinking of "American Life"... but I don't know. I hope this all works out....... In other news, I still haven't heard from Kodii. I would've called him last night, but I didn't know if he'd be home. But I told my friends and they know what his "heart pains" are and they believe he'll pull through it. Also, I have been hard at work on my newest project. It is a novel in poem verse (something new for me), and it is... well... it's about a boy (the main character) named Nelson who meets this guy named Isaac, and of course they just might fall in love. The character Issac symbolizes Rabbi Yitzhak Luria (the greatest Kabbalist of them all) and as you may have guessed, Isaac is a Kabbalist and he teaches Nelson about it. But don't worry, there's other stuff too. :-)

-tony

i'm pissed/worried

hey,
So get this... I hung up posters advertising my movie "Je vais te dire un secret", and what do ya know, some assholes ripped most of them down. I hung 15 and now there's 4 left hanging. I cried and I'm still really pissed off about it... but anyways.... I'm really nervous because Kodii's in the hospital. It has something to do with his heart... I dont know....

-tony

Oh..My...Fucking..GOD...

well, i have some bad news... remember brandon, well... he likes me again...........i know, thats what i thought WOW! but, i sure as hell am not leaving kodii for him...again.

-tony

Kabbalah est une partie de moi.

Hello,
Last night, I officialy became a member of Kabbalah. I finally recieved my red string (from a very nice teacher) and last night I "blessed" it. And now I am sitting here typing now, gazing at the beauty of it. It may be just a string of red yarn to you, but to me, it means the world. I will also be giving a speech on Kabbalah to my speech class informing them about it and even persuading them to become a member. I've always felt it was my job to wake people up. But, it's not enough just to wake people up--you have to wake them up and give them a direction. You have to wake them up and give them tools and solutions on how they can improve their lives. Otherwise they'll just fall back asleep again.

live well,
tony

vote no

hello,
please VOTE NO on the gay marriage ban today! Thank you!

-tony

...best time of my life...

hey,
wow... i'm having the best time of my life. you guys seriosuly do not know how happy i am with kodii. we've been together for a little over 4 weeks and i'm so... consumed. i think this is it. i think he is the one. i KNOW he is the one. we love each other and enjoy each other's company, and that's all that matters. he has all of these visions of us together in the future and it's adorable. i believe him. i believe in us.

-tony

the new boyfriend!!!

hey,
ahhh... i've never felt better in my entire life. i feel so...good, and that's VERY good. that guy mentioned in my previous post as the "boyfriend?" is now my "boyfriend!!!". you don't even know how happy i am. i mean, being single for 10 months really does a lot to you. it's just relaxing to know somone really cares about me and that i'm special in someone else's eyes. I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM! he's so great and i hope him and i are together for a very long time. i just hope it's not easy, cause i dont like easy. easy doesn't make you think. easy doesn't make you grow. i'm thankful everyday i have friends, family, and now a boyfriend that makes me think.

-tony

the new boyfriend?

hey,
well yesterday was probably the happiest night of my life. i finally met a new guy! and he seems to really like me, and i really like him. he's gorgeous, funny, nice, and cute. we have so much in common. (i.e.) our birthdays are 1 day apart, our fav. colour is orange and green... and some other stuff i cant remember right now. but tonight i will ask him if he would like to be my boyfriend... keep your fingers crossed for me please. :)

-tony

CAKe is finished!

hello,
this is also long overdue... CAKe is finally finished. YAY!!!!! i also made a film called "Je Vais Te Dire Un Secret." Yes, I now have to leave my omputer because a gorgeous woman is sitting by me. To bad I am gay! Goodbye.

-tony

another long overdue update (sorry)

Hey,
Sorry it's been so long since my last post. But then again it's not like anyone actually reads this blog, so I think I'm good.

CAKe is going incredibly well. I am exactly on page 150 with no end in sight. I have also decided to completley change the plot of the story. Rather than rape (the previous plot), it will be the death of my father that totally devastates me. It's lined up great for that, it just needs some serious editing in the first 100 pages. Okay, I'm really getting tired of people telling me that they want to be in CAKe. Please just don't. You'll be in it when you'll be in it. I mean, I can't work 20+ of my friends into a novel. It's just not possible. I'm doing what I can, and if you don't like it, then leave. If all goes well, I could probably have CAKe all finished and edited by Late Summer or Fall 2006. And if all goes extremely well, CAKe could be turned into a movie. Of course it won't be a big time movie, but just a small little production I'll make with my friends. The earliest you could expect the movie would be Summer 2007. Keep in mind, "the earliest"...

My pop/dance album Ray of Light has been canceled. The problem? I have it all recorded, but when it came down to reality, I realized no one would buy it. Plus I had no cover art, which is really a problem.

I am planning on dyeing my hair a bright-dirty blonde colour. I am also getting an insta-tan. I really need to look good for some people. I just want people to notice me and love me. Trust me; everybody loves blondes.

-tony

long overdue update

Hey,
Wow... a lot has happened in my life since my last post. Here's the timeline:


February 9: My last post about Brandon.

Mid-Late February (a period of 2 weeks): Brandon continues to write back to me almost everyday. But only as a friend.

February 24: I learn Brandon wants me back.

February 28: Brandon is going out with me again.

March 4: Brandon goes to a party and is "all over" this one guy.

March 6: My friend tells me about what happened at the party.

March 7: Break up. It was me that ended it this time.


And now for the future...


-tony

recovery doesn't work

hey,
i just got done sending my ex an email. i just really want to let him know how i feel. here it is:

brandon,
this is only temporary, so don't get used to it: i honestly couldn't give a damn if you care or not, but i'm still not over you. i'm sure you're long over me. it's been really hard for me. i've been talking to my friends about it a lot and they all say i need to talk to you and let you know how i really feel. it's all apart of the healing process. so here it is: i was completley masking my feelings when you broke up with me. yea, i was pissed off at you so much that day, but i got over it. you said you loved me, and i thought you meant it. what really bugs me is how you can just fuck me then drop me. in other words, you were the first person i had sex with ever since the thing in FL. i really trusted you. it all just seemed so perfect. i never did have an issue with you still having feelings fro skylar. face it, you're not over him yet. don't take this the wrong way, but i don't think you're ready for a romantic relationship with anyone but skylar. you just limit your possibilities. you just have to get out there more and find someone who can really make you happy. that's what i did, and i found you. brandon, you're the first person i've ever been in love with. but i know you don't care. what i really want to know is why did i break up with me? the whole "we were bound to hit a brick wall sooner or later" is such bull shit. i think it's cause i was very depressed for a period and was planning (no, not really. im not that stupid) to run away. half the depressing things that i said weren't true. i just felt like i had to make you feel sorry for me for you to say "i love you". i'm not alone on that, colin agrees. when i was around you i was always so happy, not it's gone. i really want to know how you feel about this. and don't lie. i think we both know that i'm practically made of steel, i can take anything. i won't be more hurt than i already am. i guess what i really want to say is this: you made me whole. i just wish i could've made you whole.

-tony


That letter really does explain how i feel. It almost makes me want to cry. I miss him so much I don't think I can take it anymore. I love him.

live well,
tony

let it will be

halla,
I am now on page 120 of CAKe. I think I've gotten over most of the difficult stuff, most of the reason why I haven't been writing often is... well... lack of interest. But don't worry, I have some big plans. Plans that will shake even the main point of the book (which is, by the way, rape). I have now come to my senses about what REALLY happened, and I'm ready to tell the truth. Also, there is so many cracks in the book's story it's not even funny. I have to fill them in one of these days.
In my love life, my partner and I are over. He just reminds me of this guy that I don't like and have a damn good reason to. I just hope he understands. I'm just not ready for a romantic relationship with some who closley resembles that guy. I really would like to remain best friends with him though.
in other news, my relationship with my parents has grown stronger. I'm just beginning to tell them things in my life and now thy understand me more and things aren't so rough between us. I'm glad.
i'm still not over the hottie who broke my heart.
but i'm way past that ass merritt who broke up with me on his birthday! what an asshole!
well, that's all for now. live well.

-tony

love?

Hello,
ahhh... a lot has been happening in my life latley. I'm going out with a new guy, but I'm still not over the other one. I don't mean to be mean, but I think it's a mistake. We already kissed though, so I guess it's working out. I just need some more time to get over it. Also, I just got the new Madonna CD and it is KICK ASS! I love "Hung Up". I have the perfect stripper routine for it. I really want to present a "less graphic" routine for the GSA (gay straight alliance), but it's still pending. Can't wait! Well, I guess that's it in my life. Live well.

-tony

finals

Hey,
Right now I'm at school. All day today, along with tomorrow and Friday, we are taking finals. Sounds fun, huh? Actually it's not that bad if you know your stuff, like me. Well, gotta get back to History class. Live well.

-tony

pizza hut / best saturday ever

Hello,
Oh... my... fucking... GOD! I had the best time of my life on Friday at my friend's birthday party. It turns out we went to Pizza Hut and had pizza (DUR!) and drinks. We also put weird spices in each others drinks lol. Then it came time to eat the cake; Pizza Hut doesnt have any plates. So, we just dug our forks in and ate. I myself only had one bite. Then it got really violent when people started flinging the cake at each other. It was all over the floor. Then my friend started coming her hair with her fork like Ariel in The Little Mermaid. My cheeks hurt so much after that happend (FYI, it was a used fork, gross). Then it just so happens that the room we're in has pictures of Disney characters, and sure enough, there's Ariel with a damn fork in her hand. I pointed it out to my friend who was still combing her hair, and she just about stabbed herself in the face because she was laughing so hard. When we had to leave Pizza Hut and the employee people came in to clean up our mess, I felt so bad. But, my God, they work at Pizza Hut; like they have a life anyways (no offense). Then the fun quickly ended as we walked to the movie theatre to see Fun With Dick and Jane. Honestly, that is the worst movie I have ever seen. I seriously wanted to walk out of the theatre within 10 minutes after the movie started. Horrible. That's the only word to describe it. Horrible. Then the next day, Saturday, I went shopping. WooHoo!!! I got two really sweet shirts at American Eagle. I was shocked at how much they costed. One was $3.95 and the other was $6.95. Can you say 'deal'? I can. So I bought those and a nice pair of brown distressed cords that I have wanted forever. Then I went to Sam Goody and bought Underworld because I can't wait to see the sequel on Friday. I still had to see the first one, that's why I bought it. Then I bought a Madonna CD. Yep, you can say I got it pretty good. My life rocks. I don't need a lover to complete, but it still would be nice to have one. Well, take time time today to recognize Martin Luther King, Jr. He really did a lot for history. He was a true American hero. Live well.

-tony

cake update

Readers,
Those of you expecting and waiting for the book Cake will be happy to know that my writer's block has finally lifted. I have a very great idea for the middle of the book and, as I said in previous posts, I have the ending all figured out in my head. I also told an English teacher at my school about Cake. She seemed very impressed and interested. You should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was over 100 pages and still growing. I really do hope to get it publish someday... but it does need a lot of editing and stuff. But before all that I would like to get the book actually finished (Hahaha). Live well.

-tony

friday the 13th

Halla readers,
Oh my... it's Friday the 13th... scary. Just kidding. Today also happens to be one of my best buds birthdays. Happy 15th birthday Cass! I'm not very superstitious, so I don't think I have to worry. But I do have some lucky numbers: 7, 17, 18. Just don't ask why. Well, that's all I really have to say about Friday the 13th. Just stay away from ladders and black cats and you'll be fine. LOL.

-tony

cute pics

problems

hi,
Uhhhhh.... I'm so tired of this.So, remember about my hottie being unfaithful at the movies? Well, now his ex-from-a long-time-ago is giving me a bunch of shit. If I had a gun, I would use it... on myself. I feel so terrible. Also because I've been spreading around the school that Brandon's ex (I'll call him Guy) was responsible for the break up. I tried telling Guy that I'm sorry, but I don't know if he listens or if he just hates my guts so much that he thinks I'm invisible. I hope it gets better, because life is to short to make enemies.

-tony

lacey is hyper!

Hey,
My friend Lacey is having an orgasm because Warped Tour 2006 keeps getting better and better.

Hey this is Lacey. Yeah, thats right, i stole the keyboard from you Tony. Isnt it fun watching the letters pop out of no where? Thehehehehehehe. LOL. I cant wait to see NoFx on warped. yay. tony advertise my myspace http://www.myspace.com/laceylh

kay peeps go to that its pimp. ummm...lol tony keep this on here. hi everyone. gotta get back to history class. Tony i heart you <3.
kay
byebye<3
=^.^= mew

band-aid covered heart

Hey,
After the break up, I'm not completley broken, but just a little scarred. I'm glad that me and my ex can be friends and still hang out. But I still have feelings for my ex, I just don't know if they still like me. I hope they do sooner or later, because after all people do change.

-tony

broken heart

hey,
Bad news. Not about Cake, but about my love life. My lover broke up with me. Only because he was making out with his ex in the back of a car, but I'm ok. I should've seen it coming. But we're still friends. Well, wish me good luck in the future.

-tony

fragile relationship...

readers,
hmmmm... I seriously hate to say this, but I think my relationship with my hottie is a little fragile. But I hope to death that it gets better. I really do. No one know's what my lover means to me. Anyways, that's a little piece of the worst part in my life. I should've known though. Nothing can be happy forever, if it does end. Because along with the sweets, come the sours.

-tony

cake's temporary dead end

hullo,
sad sad sad news... Cake I guess is at a dead end... *tear*. But don't worry, it's not for long. I just need to figure a lot of things out. I'm planning on adding at least 5 new characters, I just have to plan out how I'm going to meet them. I already have their personalities picked out and everything. Long story short, they're my friends. I mean I have a plan on how we're going to meet, I just need to plan it out further. I'll keep you posted on the progress. ttyl

-tony

cake's bad experience...

Readers,
I was sadly informed today that my book Cake was being abused verbally. One of my friends brought it with them to an after school activity and it ended up being passed around in a circle. Honestly, when my other friend told me this, I felt like I was standing naked in front of a crowd; not a good feeling. I hope it doesn't happen again and people can respect my art of writing in the future. Hopefully.

-tony

cake reviews

Halla,
I've only finished about the first 100 pages of Cake and some of my friends who have read what I've written so far are overwhelmed with generous compliments. Everyone I know wants to have something to do with the book; things such as being a character or supplying pencils (LOL). I think it's going pretty well, in case you can't tell. But I think I'm in a little sticky point in the book. I obviously have the begining done, but I also have most of the ending done (in my head). I just have to get through the middle part, which might be the hardest part to write. But hey, I got this far so why back down now? Exactly. Otherwise my life is going good. I've already completed 2 of my 32 New Year's resolutions! PARTY! Keep it real and live well.

-tony

intro (this is me)

Hello readers,
My name is Tony and I'm from WI. Don't mistake me for a farmer.
Anyways, I'm launching this blog to get my soon-to-be-published book Cake out in the open. Of course when I finish the WHOLE thing I will post parts on my blog. I can excpect to have it finished around May 2006.
I am also what I like to call "splenda". If you got a problem, bite me.I try to be independent. Doesn't work most of the time...
I am 15.
I also love that one picture of me flicking off the camera while playing leap frog in my bathroom. (?). Don't ask... LOL it's a long story.
I am deeply infatuated with my partner. (Yeah people, I'm off the market, and I've never been so happy about it!!! No joke. It's the first time I've been in love <3.
I am in my second hour class right now... I'm a freshman.I think that's all you readers need to know about me for now. Feel free to comment whatever whenever. Hope you all had a safe, fun and non-alcoholic New Years!!!!!

-tony